In a fit of psychotic domesticity this afternoon, I looked at the bag of apples and thought, I’d like to make a pie.

Bad idea.

What followed was an epic battle between me and the pie.

Round One: I made a crust using Betty’s recipe. Then put it in the fridge to cool while I peeled and cut apples. Looked good to me! Score- me:1, pie:0

Round Two: I began peeling apples into, what I thought, was a good place for them to go: an old paper sack. But apple peels don’t go where directed. I got more peels on the floor than in the sack! AND, then when I was taking out the core, that was popping all over the stinking place and getting under the fridge and all over the floor… Bleh. Score- me:1, pie:2

The floor, also known as a battle ground.

Round 3: Having finally peeled all the apples and put them in a bowl, I added the appropriate seasonings and stirred. Setting this aside, I pulled the crust dough out of the fridge and began to roll. I just have 2 words for this process: EPIC FAIL. Sigh. Score- me:1, pie: 5

Round 4: Assembling the dang pie! After all this mess, I still think I can manage what Betty calls a “lattice top”. She makes it look so easy! So, here I go, rolling out dough, cutting it up, putting it on the pie… And it is BREAKING all over the place! Dang it! But, it ended up looking mostly ok in the end. So, there were points scored by both of us here. Score- me:3, pie:8

The counter after the crust escapades.

Unbaked pie is winning. Dang it.

Ok, deep breath here. Close to done!

Round 5: Baking commences. It smells awfully good as I’m cleaning up the floor and the counter and vacuuming under the fridge. I’m hoping for some tasty pie here! I watch carefully and pull it out on time, nice and golden on top. Looks good! Burned my thumb, but hey… acceptable losses of war. Score- me:5, pie:9

Round 6: Sudden death, also known as tasting. Double points for this round! I could win here… C’mon….But ALAS! A mediocre pie at best. Drat. Crust is too crumbly and not very tasty, apples not sweet or tart, too much filling. Dang. Points to the pie.

Final Score- me:5, pie:19

The pie is the winner.

No more being domestic. Sorry.